I am having a tough time reconciling with myself lately, as I look back at all the things I used to be able to do just a few short years ago.
How do I move past it all? How do I deal with the loss? How do I grieve for the life I once had, the independence, the dreams I once held, the future I once planned for?
How do I find the purpose, the motivation to move forward?
I am a planner by nature (some call it a control freak, but I like planner better lol) and I don't know how to plan for this. My husband is amazing, pulling a second part time job to cover as much of the bills as he can while I wait for my Disability hearing since I can't work, but now how do I find and/or redefine my own self worth?
How do I move forward when I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to be able to get off the couch? If taking a shower is going to zap me of all my energy? If my eyes are going to cooperate and my brain and body work together or if I am going to feel like I am floating and disconnected from everything? If a hug from my teenage son is going to hurt? The not knowing is slowly driving me insane, anxiety pushing me farther and farther down the rabbit hole of depression. I keep moving on, going through the motions for my husband and my sons, walking the tightrope of hiding the truth, but still wanting them to see some of the reality just so they don't think I am faking it.
Please tell me I am not alone. How do I live with this? Not just survive, but truly LIVE with this horrible condition?
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