Normal

*There could be use of swear words in this post.




I am so completely tired of the word "Normal". Test results-Normal. Bloodwork-Normal. Thyroid-Normal. Inner ear-Normal. Everything is fucking Normal. But it is not. It is sooooo NOT normal. Not MY normal. Not the normal I have lived with for most of my life, save the past 9 months. Not the normal I want to go back to. Why can't at least one little test be NOT NORMAL?!? I just want someone to tell me what is wrong with me. Even if they can't fix it, just find it dammit! I just want to know what is wrong, so I can find my normal again.
I am tired of having to explain my symptoms over and over to another specialist. I am tired of fighting with disability insurance to get some income coming into the house so we can pay the bills until they find out what is NOT NORMAL.
I want to go back to work, live my normal life with my crazy kids and my amazing husband.
Will someone please find out what the hell is so wrong with me that makes all the results "normal"??
It is so fucking exhausting.
Frustrating. Annoying. Irritating. Depressing. Neverending. Disheartening.


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The trip to the store

I try to not go stir crazy, but the gorgeous weather is making it more and more difficult. Any opportunity I have to get out of the house, I take. Grocery store? Take me with! Library? Sure! Running errands with my mom means sitting in the car for most of the time, but it gets me out of the house. People may think I have all this free time, but when I am stuck at home, forced to run my life and freedom around everyone else's schedule, it doesn't mean much. There is only so much cleaning I can do, especially when I get random dizzy spells in the middle of it. Just cleaning the bathtub takes all day. Looking for workouts I can do sitting down to combat some of this rapid weight gain.


John has been a saint through all this. We even try to enjoy our weekly grocery shopping trip. This last weekend trip was rather embarrassing for me. See, when we do our big weekly shop, it is too much for me to be able to focus on shopping and not feel lightheaded, so I have resigned myself to using one of the electric shopping carts. It is bad enough to have to use one, so I was happy to find one that didn't have the annoying back up horn. You know the one. The beeping noise that might as well say "Watch out! Wide load coming through!!!" So I thought, "Yeah, no additional embarrassment today, we can do this!". As we were going though the store, stopping to get yogurt, some older lady (and I use that term loosely) decided to judge me. Not only in her head, but to share with her world a picture of me in the cart. She didn't know how to take pictures quietly. I saw the camera pointed towards me, held "that" way. I even heard the click. After that, I just wanted to finish up and get out of the store. It didn't make me mad, it made me irritated. Who was she to judge my abilities? Just because I didn't have a cast on, or some other obvious issue, doesn't mean I didn't need to use it. 


I try not to give it too much headspace though. They are there for those who need them. I needed it. End of story. Some stranger in a store doesn't get to decide what is best for me.    


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Frustration

Feeling frustrated today. Trying to get all the right information from all the right doctors sent to Standard so they can process my claim and I can try to get some money to pay bills. It is a frustrating process. I guess I should be grateful that I have the disability insurance available to me, even if it means jumping through hoops every day and promising the blood of my first born. I want to be well again. I want to drive. Being stuck at home and relying on others is driving me batty. Frustrated that I can't even do something as simple as sit in the middle of a restaurant without feeling lightheaded. Patience is not my best virtue. I am frustrated that once again, I seem to be in a holding pattern, with no discernible end in sight.


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Gratitude

Today was a good day, the first I have had in over a week. I got the boy off to school, showered and got ready for the day without feeling too lightheaded. I was able to take care of some business that needed my attention and run a load of laundry.
For that I am grateful.
I was able to water the flowers out front. I was able to enjoy the sunlight streaming through the windows. I was able to help my son with his homework.
For that I am grateful.
From the generosity of friends, family, and strangers, I was able to withdraw funds and prepare to pay bills.
For that, I am so grateful.


On the recommendation of my psychiatrist (one of my many specialists), I watched a movie on Netflix. The Secret. It really made me think and be grateful for what I have. It is definitely a movie I will have to watch again and again, to fully understand the theory behind it.

On the good days, it is easy to be grateful, to accept life. It is on the bad days that I have to remember to be grateful and accepting.


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